i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
