Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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