swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
