I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
