Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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