she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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