Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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