I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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