So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
