that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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