dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
