I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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