He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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