What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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