Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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