it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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