dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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