Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
