Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
