also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
