At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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