I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
