Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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