I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
