wanna go halves on a baby?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
