The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize