note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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