you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
