I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
