Just mADE A PArabola og urine
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
