i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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