I need help removing her.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
