someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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