As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
