He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
