he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
