My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I touched a dick in church today
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
