The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am spending my child support on dildos
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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