so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
