They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
