I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
