im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
