ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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