I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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