he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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