I wish I only lived at night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
