i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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