After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
