Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
