I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
