I look better un-naked...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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