By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
