So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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