If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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