I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
